Do Some Men Feel Threatened by Assertive Women?
Posted on 15. Feb, 2010 by Andrea in Lifestyle, Relationships and Dating
There’s a nice little discussion thread on Sparkle’s Facebook wall at the moment which is around an old movie that still has very current relevance; When Harry Met Sally.
It began with the “No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive” quote and has now evolved to uncover some interesting truths about men’s attitudes to women, and vice versa.
It seems to me that this is a perfect opportunity for Sparkle men to get in on the act and indulge in some light hearted but meaningful conversation with some Sparkle women.
So why are the men conspicuous by their absence?
It got me thinking about the whole subject of some men and their attitude to strong women; an issue that I have pondered over many years.
The Sparkle women who are involved in this conversation are attractive, fun, smart, interesting and sexy and yet they’re currently single. I have several female friends who are equally beautiful, smart, sexy, fun…and single.
I can’t understand why men aren’t beating a path to their door. Or can I…
It strikes me that the thing all these women have in common is that they’re assertive, independent and strong.
Could it possibly be true that some men feel threatened by assertive women?
So what is an assertive woman?
It’s someone who is self-confident, has an opinion which she’s not afraid to share and is able to take control of her life. In my experience it usually also comes with a lively and fun personality and an interest in the world and those around her. In short, she’s probably a brilliant choice for a life partner as long as it’s a partner you’re looking for and not a wallflower, a mistress or a mother.
Men, have you ever wondered why it is that so many women of all ages and backgrounds get on so well with gay men?
Gay men have no sexual intent towards women inhibiting their ability to interact with them on an equal footing. Certainly there’s an element of having some shared interests – men for example – but mainly it’s because they can chat, laugh and share their thoughts and experiences without fear of rejection as a sexual partner.
Men who have women as their best friends are, in my social sphere, sought-after commodities. They don’t fear rejection as a sexual partner because that’s not the only basis on which the relationship is founded. But it’s certainly not because they don’t want a sexual relationship; these guys rarely find themselves short of a sexual partner. Their looks, status and occupation are irrelevant because their personality and conversation make them all extremely attractive and fun to be with, which means they inevitably have women around them. But there aren’t enough of them to go round.
So, consider the gauntlet thrown down.
Do some men feel threatened by assertive women…or are many of you just like Harry?
Andrea Montgomery
Freelance feature/travel writer and author of 2 travel guides, Andrea is a compulsive blogger and Tweeter with an annoying tendancy to behave like Head Girl (presumably because she never got to be one).
10 Responses to “Do Some Men Feel Threatened by Assertive Women?”
Leave a Reply
What is Sparkle?
It's a busy community, it's a lively chat forum, it's friendship, it's speed dating, it's romance, it's finding mates, it's arranging events - it's Sparkle..
Sparkle takes social networking and online communities to a new level, letting you find people with shared interests and engage in captivating online activities.
Rachael
16. Feb, 2010
Oh too true Andrea. I’ve found there are men who can’t cope with strong women and avoid them like the plague; men who look for and rely on strong women; the ones who genuinely just want a truly equal relationship; or the awful ones who say they like a strong woman – then patronise by saying it’s cute when you’re assertive or the call you something like “feisty little thing”. Grrrrrr, don’t get me started on those
Kate
18. Feb, 2010
Oh goodness….where do I start Andrea?
)
This is such an emotive topic and interesting that as yet there is no response from a man Strangely, I don’t see myself as assertive at all, well, not as in the dictionary definition ” to declare forcefully, insist upon……….”
I would rather describe myself (on a good day!) as self-sufficient in that I hold down two jobs, pay my own mortgage, bills, run my household, look after the children and most irritatingly of the lot, drive myself and all and sundry everywhere we need to go! ( I dream about someone else struggling with the map or beating the sat-nag (!) into submission, getting out in the rain to fill up and check the tyres.)
Yes, I mow the lawn, chop the wood, unblock toilets and put the bins out, clean out the grate, paint, sand, fill and wallpaper with the best of them. I can comment on current affairs as easily as Coronation Street and bring down a knife-weilding teenager as easily as rocking a baby to sleep…..
I HATE conflict with a passion but am no push-over so does that make me assertive? I still don’t think so…… I see it more as an ordinary woman doing what she has to do to survive, to be self sufficient enough to create a warm, safe, happy and stable environment for her children. The fact that I CAN do it (with humour and a sparkle in my eye) doesn’t mean that I WANT to do it!
I am however, stuck in this single state and not sure why because I’d make someone a very happy man since all he’d have to do is sit on the sofa with his tinnie watching the footie and belching occasionally ( shushy now….sounding bitter here…lol) so what the devil are these men so scared of?
Maybe, I have to accept that because I’m no spring chicken, I don’t match their expectation, or even aspiration, of having a dolly bird on their arm who will dote on their every word or be capable of perfoming fellatio whilst hanging upside down from the shower head? (My gymnastic days are over
Diane
19. Feb, 2010
Could it possibly be true that some men feel threatened by assertive women ?
Not in my experience. There was a programme on TV recently where men…20’s to late 30’s were in favour of assertive and confident women. They preferred it when women approached them and were direct (within reason!) in their intentions, as this discounted their fear of rejection.
I think men in their late 30’s onwards are having to ‘evolve’ ….good word Jack and I feel very relevant to this debate….to fit in with the change in women’s attitudes to relationships. At the moment they seem to be dammed if they do and dammed if they don’t. For example, Rae not sure if you didn’t like the term feisty or the way the statement was delivered, but I’ve had that said of me and took it as a compliment because it was given in that manner.
I’ve only been in one relationship that lasted a few weeks because of his lack of self esteem and confidence. He admitted that was the problem about a year later when we met by chance. He was threatened by my assertiveness because it highlighted his insecurity at the time.
So on the whole, the men I have met have embraced the ‘new woman’ and long may it continue. Now what I do have an issue with is your very interesting comments about gay men and how they make good friends with women. I totally agree with this, so why have Sparkle separated Gays from Heterosexuals and therefore the opportunity is lost? I look forward to the day when society doesn’t see the need for segregation……. and then maybe you’ll get a reply to this debate from a man lol
Andrea
20. Feb, 2010
Hi Kate – excellent blog response which has left me with some very graphic images – lol!
It’s funny how the word ‘assertive’ has certain connotations. When I was looking for a stock image to go with this blog I put the words ‘assertive women’ into the search and they brought up loads of women being aggressive – scowling at the camera, wagging a finger at someone and even one in boxing gloves! Very telling I feel.
There’s no doubt that in relation to women, it’s a four letter word with 9 letters!
I know two single men in their fifties who, if looking around the room at a bar or a party, express interest in the twenty-something women. I asked one of them once why he wasn’t interested in a very attractive woman on the dance floor. His response? “Good God no, she’s nearly got bingo wings; that puts her at at least 50!”
Andrea
20. Feb, 2010
I think you’re spot on that times ‘they are a-changin’, Diane, girls today will find it much easier to be on a level footing in the dating arena. Isn’t evolution grand?!
Interesting point you raise about Sparkle…
Diane
20. Feb, 2010
Well if we consider your dictionary definition that implies aggression then i’d say neither of us are assertive, although ‘insist upon’…..remember your supermarket blog where you challenged the manager where you thought there was a wrong doing. Many a woman would have left the wine, paid up and walked out with their shopping. I would have done the same as you.
When describing your self -sufficiency, you speak of tasks traditionally carried out by a man and didn’t include the washing, ironing, cleaning etc. Like you I do all the ‘man’ chores but did when I was married (assume you did too) We shared all the tasks but many relationships aren’t like that. I had this very conversation with a good friend of mine who is also ’self-sufficient’ and she wondered if men were not attracted to her because she wasn’t that ‘damsel in distress’ who needed looking after. This comes back to my comment that roles are evolving and some men struggle to identify with that.
My son is 16 and has as many female friends as male. He regularly goes out….sorry hangs out!…. with girls. I never did that at his age. They all seem to be more self-confident and I would include assertive based on Andrea’s definition (oh my dictionary says ‘asserting oneself….very helpful lol)
Many of us are no spring chickens but we have a young outlook on life compared to our parents at our age and we are not looking for men that want a dolly bird on their arm. We want a like minded individual. Now the hanging upside down in the shower idea….bound to still be worth a go eh?!!
Jack
21. Feb, 2010
This is great, it’s like tuning into an episode of ‘Sex and the City’, or should that be ‘Sex and the Sparkle’? So which one of you is Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, Charlotte etc?
In the absence of another male voice, I’m standing up (well more stooping than standing) for the poor downtrodden modern male who isn’t sure where he stands anymore.
I agree with much of what’s been said and Diane made a good point when she said that her son had as many female friends as male ones. All our nephews are exactly the same. Theirs is a generation which has grown up with real equality, whereas us ‘babyboomers’ have had to adjust from a time when old fashioned male-provider/ female-homemaker was the standard family model.
It can be confusing. Equality has quite rightly moved the goal posts in terms of the relationships between men and women, but there are some women who still want to subscribe to the nicer elements of an ‘old fashioned’ relationship. I’ve got a female friend who had a very good job but still expected the man to pay for everything when she went out on a date. She wanted to have her cake and eat it…as long as someone else paid.
On the other hand I’ve been told off for holding a door open for a woman despite the fact that I do it for men all the time.
These sort of swings in how different women want to be treated can leave us poor blokes befuddled. I guess what I’m really saying is – be patient, we’re trying to adjust, but we’ve got centuries of conditioning to overcome.
By the way Kate, is this the girl you were talking about?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/snapjacs/2398891520/
David
22. Feb, 2010
Glad to see a male response in here Jack. I almost jumped the gun and posted my thoughts before reading other viewpoints. I thought it interesting that there are many interpretations of the word ‘assertive’ and the many imlications it has. I have to agree men are confused as to what is expected of them in a modern world as regards social ettiquette. There are many avenues of this question and arguments to explore.
My first raction to the question posed was an immediate “yes”. This is largely based on my experiences in the workplace. I have worked in the NHS where 80% of the employees are female. I have experienced workplace bullying from a female boss plus “backstabbing” by junior female colleagues in order to gain promotion. I have also experienced sexual harassement and assault. Male colleagues agree that there is significant sex discrimination within the NHS against men.Not surprise that I hold a rather cynical view.
I would think that a number of men like myself value a self confident, independent, Intelligent,capable and “assertive” woman, but cringe and steer well away from ‘Milly Tants’ and ball-breakers in suits just as much as they avoid the dumb blondes who won’t put petrol in their car for fear of damaging their nails.
It would seem to me that ,certainly in the work place at least, women that are truely succesful are successful professionally and are successful and women, not immature girls pretending to be men in order to achieve success.
Maybe a provocative view, but based on personal experience. (And yes, maybe I am bitter)
Diane
22. Feb, 2010
Oh David I can so really relate to your comments regarding women’s behaviour in the workplace and their attitude to business. I set up in business in 1996 and in that year a ‘Women In Business’ group was launched. I was reluctant to join as I assumed it would consist of the ‘suited women’ you described, but was persuaded to go along to the first meeting. The guest speaker was renowned worldwide for her business advisory skills. At age forty she embarked on a business degree and spent a year in Japan studying eastern business culture then was very sought after by western businesses. The top table was full of the dreaded suited women and at the end of the row was this little old lady wearing a tweed skirt and woolly cardigan. She was the guest speaker and gave the most inspirational talk on her reservations about women in business groups. She spoke about how, as women, we should use our natural skills to run a business and not try to emulate male behaviour. Not so sure that the women at the top table got as much from this woman’s wisdom as I did!
A few months later I saw first hand an example of a woman trying to emulate a man’s brash behaviour and bad management technique. I was in M&S one morning just after the doors opened and witness the store manager with female assistant in tow and a few female shop floor assistants toddling along behind. He was rude, arrogant and snapped out instructions as he marched across the shop floor. He then left the female assistant to carry out his instructions. She then adopted the same tone but was met with a very different response from the other women as they did not take kindly to her speaking to them in that manner. I can only assume that they perceived him as being assertive and her as being aggressive when she tried to assert a ‘male’ approach. Very interesting Andrea pointing out that the images she saw were of aggressive gestures from women. I vowed I would never try to behave in a male assertive way as it implies aggression in a woman. I’d rather adopt female assertiveness as it draws on these natural attributes we have to create a less aggressive approach.
You didn’t come over as bitter David just despondent and understandably so. Pity some of those NHS workers hadn’t attended that meeting!
Will Online Dating Advice Make You Look Like a Clooney…or a Klutz? | Sparkle in my life
23. Mar, 2010
[...] on Sparkle we had a blog about assertive women, this time let’s move to the other end of the spectrum and have a look at the plight of shy, [...]